To Margrethe Alexandrine Þorhildur Ingrid, Her Majesty, The Queen of Denmark, Terror of Sweden, Speaker of Many Tongues, and Likely Jedi Master.
Greetings your majesty, welcome to my blog. In the spirit of my personal hero Machiavelli (not really at all.. AP Euro made me suffer through The Prince though), I have decided to write you a letter outlining the path forward for the Great Kingdom of Denmark. It is no secret that you have some pressure to keep the ship steady, after all, the fate of the worlds oldest monarchy lies with your family. My original correspondence was chock full of warfare tactics and sage political wisdom, however, The Googles informed me that you have exactly zero political power, and you mostly act as a “Cultural Figurehead.”
“The Queen: A List of Cultural Improvements to Secure the Future of the Realm, written by an irrelevant American kid with a blog and half a college degree.”
- A ban on all black licorice products. Let it be known that Danish people have convinced themselves that black licorice is good, and that it does not taste like a combination of black tar, and dish soap. Let us revitalize the great Nordic cuisine of Red Licorice, “Sweet of the Gods.”
- A ban on everyone being so good looking. Economists estimate that Denmark loses about 20% of economic output per day due to, “the act of staring at their fellow citizens and thinking how hot they all look all the time.” In all honesty your goodness, it is degrading and would seriously increase tourism revenues if everyone could just take it down a notch or two.
- A ban on nice cops. I thought I was finally going to get a stern talking to after j-walking last week, and the guy just handed me my dropped headphones and proceeded to tell me all about his trip to The Bay Area! Low to non-existent crime rates aside, I can say for a fact that this is a bad idea. The cops must be hated and feared, not respected and loved, haven’t you ever seen 21 Jump Street!?
- A ban on bad weather.
- A ban on happy cemeteries. How is Hans Christian Anderson supposed to rest in peace when newlyweds are having picnics on his gravesite? My humble recommendation would be to have some actual skeletons dug up, some scary noisemakers installed, and a fog machine or two. Remind people that this isn’t Tivoli, and that Søren Kierkegaard would be completely offended by the outfits worn at the Yoga class three tombs over.
- A ban on 7-11, McDonalds and other American Chains. Trust me, it’s just a hop, skip, and a jump to Walmart and Fried Twinkie stands. Stick to the staples of meat and potatoes (and the occasional pastry). It has done you well since the Viking Days, so don’t fix what ain’t broken.
- A ban on Danish. Unfortunately, the stereotype that Danish sounds like German with a potato in ones mouth is too generous to your people. Words sound nothing like how they are spelled, and a series of ever more complicated grunts is not sustainable for another thousand years.
- A ban on Shawarma places on every block. I joke, I joke! These places are great!
- A ban on your teachers. They are way too nice. They refuse to say a mean thing to anyone, so (without naming names) the students who just talk a lot but don’t really say anything (their wheels are spinning but the hamsters are dead) are having a field day while the rest of us resist the urge to strangle them! I think a good yardstick knuckle beat down should do the trick!
- 10. A ban on the Kroner. Between the whole “socialism” thing, and the absurdly high costs for things, it’s a wonder you people can buy anything. I just paid 30 Kroner ($5.50)for a sweet and salted tropical trail mix bag. Granted it was delicious, but I am all for some Chinese style currency deflation!
Mange Tak your majesty. Follow me on twitter!
Med venlig hilsen / Best regards,